"What would you do if you weren't so afraid?"

2019 seemed to crush a lot of us. It weighed upon our hearts heavily as one disaster after another infringed upon our lives. Every day was trying. Every moment spent smiling was exhausting. I’m not sure about you but I spent most of my days hidden away; hoping that by turning into some kind of hermit all the badness in my world would somehow disappear.

It didn’t.

I lived in a cycle of mania, depression and mundanity. I tried living for my children. I tried living for my husband. I tried living for my family and for my friends. It didn’t work.

I spent so many hours flicking through Pinterest and Instagram in those moments of deep depression, trying to find something (or someone) to pull me out of the pit I was so insistent on comfortably nesting in. There were moments where I saw a glimmer of hope – a motivational quote or a funny Instagram video. Before and after pictures of recovery. Houses that once used to be a shell turned into homes filled with light and love and beauty. But something always held me back. Something always made me feel like I couldn’t quite bring myself to open up, to hold on to those small glimmers of hope and pull myself out of the space I was hiding in. Until a few weeks ago.

Scrolling through Pinterest (yet again) I stumbled across the quote,

 "What would you do if you weren’t so afraid?"

I was sure I'd read it a hundred time before but somehow this time felt different. I realised that this quote wasn’t trying to inspire me to run marathons or climb a mountain. It wasn’t trying to make me realise that I needed to go on a Buddhist retreat or give up my life to volunteer half-way across the world (all things I actually had wanted to do at one point or another). No. It was challenging me to think about my life as it is now. The things that I’m afraid every single day of doing. The fear that envelops me as I pick up the phone to ring the Dr's surgery for a long overdue appointment. The fear of putting on my running shoes and starting that Couch to 5k I’ve been putting off for years. The anxiety that consumes me as I pick up another box of bright red hair dye and put it back – reassuring myself that no, I am not meant to stand out – brown is just fine. The shame of slipping into another 50's style dress and petticoat but being too scared to step outside my front door, twirling in all it's beauty.

I see now that "What would I do if I wasn’t so afraid" is about so much more than those radical adrenaline-fuelled moments of bungee jumping, sky diving and hitch-hiking across Europe. It’s about finding out who I am; away from society’s judging eyes and condescending voices. It’s about those little things that I wish I could do every single day yet sit, huddled under a blanket, afraid because ‘What would people think?’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m not worth it’ or ‘I don’t deserve it’.

This year, there’s no hiding anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to live my life consumed by anxiety and worry. 

This week, I started small. I bleached my hair and dyed it red. Well, ginger actually.

Why not try it? Write a list of the things you’d do if you weren’t afraid and start by doing just one. Pick the smallest. The least scary. Dive into the moment and push your boundaries for just a short time. I promise, when you're out the other side, it feels pretty awesome.

Me

xoxo